The Cataloged Panic Attack

Is it how I justify my self-esteem?  When I was physically neglected it was a sign that I had let the other person down and they were punishing me for not fulfilling their expectations, and that is all I think about is letting down other people.  This is not just something “Don’t worry about it” will fix.  Am I depressed?  There is nothing to be sad about.  Am I anxious? YES.  I can’t even sleep without asking permission or questions or needing some kind of affirmation that my actions are justified, even if I know they won’t affect him in any way.  I even feel obligated to tell him what I’m doing even though I hate small talk.  I feel trapped by myself and don’t know how to get out of it.  Everything feels like my fault even though logically I am 100% aware that is NOT the case.  The slightest ‘no no’ makes me feel awful, but why?  Am I not allowed to make mistakes?  Apparently not, because it means I physically upset or annoyed the other person, and I feel helpless and emotional when it happens.  If I do something dumb-blondesque, I am so embarrassed; what if they think less of me?  I know I’m not perfect, but is there an attempt to create the illusion that I am?  I know I am not a trophy to be won because trophies are beautiful and coveted and sought after and if someone is going to wait that long just for a girl with all kinds of paranoid baggage then they are just getting a shit trophy.
I don’t have to be some perfect girl, and there’s no pressure put on me to be that way except for the expectations I give myself.  And they are TOO HIGH.  I am NOT worthless.  I am NOT perfect, and I am having a really fucking hard time accepting that right now because I don’t want to fuck anything up…again??  
I am scared all the time… What could I possibly do to ruin things?  How can I make things worse for myself?  How do I FIX myself?  Is there a way to fix wanting everything to be okay?
I feel like I want to say something sometimes, but how will that help?  I’m not here to change things, I’m here to accept another human being for who they are…but how can I do that when I can’t even accept myself?
What is wrong with me?  Should I stop and see somebody?  How do I stop the panic attacks?  How do I stop the nightmares?  All sounds seem so loud, I don’t know how to get them to be quiet.  What’s this beating in my ears?  Why is it so loud?  Why does my chest hurt?  All I want to do is cry even though there is nothing to be sad about.
I don’t want to ask for help.  I don’t want to seem weak, but I already am so what difference does it make?